When the Corridors Are Dirty

You know those things in our lives that we just sort of go with and take on as personality quirks or habits we inherited from our mother?  I have lots of those.  Todd had to tape signs in English and Spanish all around the stove, to remind me to turn it off.  I am horrible at leaving empty bottles of condiments in the refrigerator and I will stuff anything in tupperware and forget it is in there.  Usually Todd finds it and all the fuzzy creatures that have taken residence on top of what we once served for dinner.  I get really into a book and insist that my mom and Todd read it too.  I don't always win that one.  Todd and I can both be pretty head strong.  However, there are some things that sort of hide deep in the corridors of your heart and it is really hard to acknowledge that they are there.  Sometimes, admitting to them is not that bad, but allowing them to be anything more than part of your personality is a bit more to ask.  I have some of those too.  Recently I found myself questioning one in particular.  I have always been a bit of a perfectionist.  Okay, I can be slightly over the top in that department.  Not making everyone proud was never an option.  If I was gonna do something, it was going to win an award.  Now parenting can rock the boat on that one, pretty much regularly.  However, being a perfectionist I have found is really rooted in something much deeper.  It is grown from a desire to please other people.  Looking for approval and acceptance, even the worship of others?  It seems that lately I have found my people pleaserism popping up in random conversations.  It often just flies out of my mouth like it is a completely acceptable and an unchangeable part of who I am.  It can be quite stressful, always fearing failure or the terror of disappointing others.  Someone not liking me is just not acceptable and it bothers me to the point of losing sleep. 
Well today was a day, when the Lord began exposing a dirty room in my heart.  It was an unexpected revealing really. 
So, the question poses- "Jess why are you so concerned with how other people see and accept you?"  Why is it so important to be liked and loved by everyone?  Is it more important to me to be loved by people or that I love people?  In an emotional moment today, a dear friend sent me a timely scripture.   
1 Thessalonians 2:4  On the contrary, we speak as those approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts.
Today, I failed a test of the heart.  I mean I really bombed the exam!  In the moment I felt justified in feeling hurt and angry, only to realize that my pain was caused by a desire to be liked, loved, accepted and a fear of rejection.  So, you see I was more concerned about pleasing people than the Lord.  We are studying 2nd Timothy this summer as a family.  Which should have been my first clue, that the Lord was going to begin to pull out weeds that have taken root in my heart.  The problem is that this plant has been growing for years and the roots run deep and are so painfully extracted.  While digging deeper into 2 Timothy we have been looking at other passages and teachings of Paul.  One of Gabriella's memory passages for this week is Colossians 3:22-24.  There we also read "not as men-pleasers, but in sincerity of heart, fearing God".  We revere Paul as the first missionary, this amazing man who surrendered all of himself to the Lord, even unto death.  He is admired and studied.  He is to some a saint, children are named after him, and even churches and hospitals.  He appears to be adored by the masses.  However, that is not the picture that is painted of this man in the Bible.  He was hated and scorned by many.  Even those he thought were with him, abandoned him in times of need.  He exhorted and pleaded with those closes to him, to not be ashamed of him.  
Here is what the Lord is challenging me with right now in this moment.  If I am so imprisoned by the approval of others, am I not guilty of idolatry?  Is it not an idol in my life to be loved by others?  Is it okay for me to become heart broken with disapproval or confrontation?  Is it just part of who I am?  Very much so, it is part of this sinful nature that comes with being born.  However, being subject to that sinful nature ended when I was born yet again.  I am grateful for the pruning.  I long to be planted in the river of God, and to live for His splendor.  It is His voice I want to long to hear, His approval I am seeking, His image I am longing to be transformed into.  I failed a testing of the heart today, but I am so grateful for a Father that refuses to leave me just how I am.  He beckons me to dig deep and remove all that is not of Him.  He painfully peels away my dragon skin.  Though the shedding is painful and not always eagerly anticipated, I welcome the grace that allows His mercy to transform.  Lord, forgive me for desiring the approval of men and seeking the adoration that only you deserve.