My Hope for All of You

I have literally sat down and tried to write from the overflow of my heart so many times over the past month.  There are currently four drafts that remain unfinished, because the overflow is just a bit messy and emotional, and I just have had such a difficult time getting it out in mere words on this screen.  Right now the overflow needs to be expressed in more than words but in hugs and tears, laughter and sorrow, gratefulness and brokenness, and all the things that words can not express.  How do I share with you the process of emptying our life here in Alabama?  How do I let you in to experience the journey of shedding all the things that made our little yellow house feel like home, and saying good-bye to all of the hearts that have become woven into the tapestry of our's?  It just does not read the same as the tears feel that drip off of my chin while I attempt to express to you how well we have been loved, how deeply we have been changed, and how whole brokenness can become.  Our house is presently in absolute chaos as we are packing, sorting, selling, giving, emptying it's contents.  And yet I am drowning in this overwhelming reality that we have experienced the goodness of Christ and what it is like to be part of His family.  A few days ago, as most of our city gathered in homes and locations all over town to watch a big game, I was overwhelmed with thankfulness and humbled by grace.  I sat down at our computer screen and began a small letter that has been racing through my mind each day since.  It was a little thank you note to our Pastor and really to our church.    Today while gathered with this family of Jesus' lovers, I had this longing to share with you what my hope for all of you is in the year 2015.  My hope for you is my letter.......

My hope for you is that you will find yourself shaken by grace and traveling through the belly of a fish, so that you can then be thrust into the purposes of God for your life, and that at the end of yourself you will realize you have been gently carried, loved, and transformed by the love and grace of Christ through His Bride.  

So, "Jess wants me to be swallowed by a fish?"  Can I share with you the story of my fish?  

Two years ago Todd came home from a 3 week trip to South East Asia and was so certain of the call of our family to serve there.  My response was (in less words), "NO!".  At that time he was serving in the college ministry and I had begun to entertain the idea of being a cute little ministers wife.  It even effected the type of clothes I looked for at the thrift store. :)  We were pregnant, so I was happy to stay clear of exposing this baby to any of the stupid little mosquitoes that made our youngest daughter so sick the last time we went overseas.  Shortly after my adamant "no", came events that would plunge me into some of the deepest sorrows and hurt of my life.  Sometimes we are quick to blame earthly things for God's gracious acts. Drowning in the emotional wreckage of that hurricane eventually found me at the doors of the Cobb Theatre.  A church meets there and I walked through those doors broken and in shock and I was immediately met with a safe and compassionate embrace.  Her name is Mrs. Vicki, and somehow everyone in Tuscaloosa knows her.  She thought she was just hugging me, she had no idea that the Lord was throwing me a life line....baiting a fish and thrusting me into it's belly.  I felt dear to her, and I just really needed to be hugged.  That began the journey our family would take in the belly of a fish-our church, our missional community, our family.  We needed a place for our broken wings to heal, a safe place to just be and they let us in, they just swallowed us.  As we journeyed through the book of Acts together, the Lord began to heal, rebuild, and redirect our family with His purposes and plans. Something happens when you are marred by loss and experience those hurts that cut deep in your heart.   It makes you vulnerable and vulnerability is a beautiful place to build transformational, transparent, and authentic community.  In such a short time I found myself really investing in relationships on a personal level.  Sometimes I think we experience an artificial sense of community; the programs and scheduled gatherings make us less likely to pour ourselves out to experience the authenticity and genuineness of really sharing life with people.  So, amid all the wreckage of a broken woman the Lord began to weave this tapestry. Because we were hurting, we longed to build on old relationships that brought comfort, and we were hungry for new relationships that pointed to life.  I have shared in car ride conversations to and from homeschool meetings as a sister joined  in my tears and spent countless hours learning that loving looks no different in German.  I have sisters in Germany.  It has been miraculous to experience the Lord weaving and knitting our hearts to others.  I have experienced great joy in the obedience of an answered call, but it is also met with a deep painful sorrow for those that are no longer going to share our geography.  Tomorrow we will eat Indian food with friends, and in such a short time frame this woman become like my sister.  I can not explain it, or pretend to understand how I can feel so close to someone yet share so little history.  We will soon say good-bye to our community group, and you know that is what we have experienced among them....real community.  I will say good-bye to a Grace that has showered me with such evidence of the Lord's grace.  We will travel via His grace to another people.  That is the thing about fish, at least Jonah's kind of fish....they spit you out and you land providentially where the Lord has always wanted you.  But somehow in your journey (even though it may be shrouded in doubt and disobedience) you and others experience the amazing grace that makes you dance and sing, the grace that fills your life and heart with love for and from others, the grace that changes who you are and what you look like, the grace that smells like Jesus, looks like Jesus, and loves like Jesus.   My hope for all of you is that this year you will look back and find yourself swallowed up by a fish and in the belly of that fish you will experience the grace and presence of Christ that will thrust you into loving lavishly and showering that same scandalous grace on everyone you meet.  Every step of our journey involves being loved by someone; we are all meant to travel together through this life of loving Jesus and being used by Him to love others.  I hope that when we arrive we will testify of His amazing grace and love the way so many of you have testified that to us.