When the Corridors Are Dirty

You know those things in our lives that we just sort of go with and take on as personality quirks or habits we inherited from our mother?  I have lots of those.  Todd had to tape signs in English and Spanish all around the stove, to remind me to turn it off.  I am horrible at leaving empty bottles of condiments in the refrigerator and I will stuff anything in tupperware and forget it is in there.  Usually Todd finds it and all the fuzzy creatures that have taken residence on top of what we once served for dinner.  I get really into a book and insist that my mom and Todd read it too.  I don't always win that one.  Todd and I can both be pretty head strong.  However, there are some things that sort of hide deep in the corridors of your heart and it is really hard to acknowledge that they are there.  Sometimes, admitting to them is not that bad, but allowing them to be anything more than part of your personality is a bit more to ask.  I have some of those too.  Recently I found myself questioning one in particular.  I have always been a bit of a perfectionist.  Okay, I can be slightly over the top in that department.  Not making everyone proud was never an option.  If I was gonna do something, it was going to win an award.  Now parenting can rock the boat on that one, pretty much regularly.  However, being a perfectionist I have found is really rooted in something much deeper.  It is grown from a desire to please other people.  Looking for approval and acceptance, even the worship of others?  It seems that lately I have found my people pleaserism popping up in random conversations.  It often just flies out of my mouth like it is a completely acceptable and an unchangeable part of who I am.  It can be quite stressful, always fearing failure or the terror of disappointing others.  Someone not liking me is just not acceptable and it bothers me to the point of losing sleep. 
Well today was a day, when the Lord began exposing a dirty room in my heart.  It was an unexpected revealing really. 
So, the question poses- "Jess why are you so concerned with how other people see and accept you?"  Why is it so important to be liked and loved by everyone?  Is it more important to me to be loved by people or that I love people?  In an emotional moment today, a dear friend sent me a timely scripture.   
1 Thessalonians 2:4  On the contrary, we speak as those approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts.
Today, I failed a test of the heart.  I mean I really bombed the exam!  In the moment I felt justified in feeling hurt and angry, only to realize that my pain was caused by a desire to be liked, loved, accepted and a fear of rejection.  So, you see I was more concerned about pleasing people than the Lord.  We are studying 2nd Timothy this summer as a family.  Which should have been my first clue, that the Lord was going to begin to pull out weeds that have taken root in my heart.  The problem is that this plant has been growing for years and the roots run deep and are so painfully extracted.  While digging deeper into 2 Timothy we have been looking at other passages and teachings of Paul.  One of Gabriella's memory passages for this week is Colossians 3:22-24.  There we also read "not as men-pleasers, but in sincerity of heart, fearing God".  We revere Paul as the first missionary, this amazing man who surrendered all of himself to the Lord, even unto death.  He is admired and studied.  He is to some a saint, children are named after him, and even churches and hospitals.  He appears to be adored by the masses.  However, that is not the picture that is painted of this man in the Bible.  He was hated and scorned by many.  Even those he thought were with him, abandoned him in times of need.  He exhorted and pleaded with those closes to him, to not be ashamed of him.  
Here is what the Lord is challenging me with right now in this moment.  If I am so imprisoned by the approval of others, am I not guilty of idolatry?  Is it not an idol in my life to be loved by others?  Is it okay for me to become heart broken with disapproval or confrontation?  Is it just part of who I am?  Very much so, it is part of this sinful nature that comes with being born.  However, being subject to that sinful nature ended when I was born yet again.  I am grateful for the pruning.  I long to be planted in the river of God, and to live for His splendor.  It is His voice I want to long to hear, His approval I am seeking, His image I am longing to be transformed into.  I failed a testing of the heart today, but I am so grateful for a Father that refuses to leave me just how I am.  He beckons me to dig deep and remove all that is not of Him.  He painfully peels away my dragon skin.  Though the shedding is painful and not always eagerly anticipated, I welcome the grace that allows His mercy to transform.  Lord, forgive me for desiring the approval of men and seeking the adoration that only you deserve. 

Not for the Easily Offended

I was standing there, singing my heart out to the Lord, and then I felt it.  It was soft and little, but it added to my thankfulness and praise.  Ysabella who is 6 was worshiping beside me and as her hand rose in worship to the Lord, it brushed up against my arm.  We were singing a song that is very familiar to us as a family.  Countless moments of worship have taken place in our living room as we blasted Kim Walker singing, "How He Loves Us".  It was a natural response for both Gabriella and Ysabella to do the same at church.  Since that moment, I have felt so burdened with the blog you are now reading.  I write it as a tremendously flawed mother, who has the potential to blow it at least twice daily.  I have found there is a masterpiece in the making, when this flawed wife and mother, comes broken and longing to love Jesus loudly with my every potential, even the ones that will cause eruptions of disappointment and frustration.  My prayer is that if you are reading this, you are able to do the same.  Don't walk away angry or annoyed, I didn't make you read this blog.  These are things that the Lord has placed on my heart and my prayer is that He who placed them there will use them for Himself.
Picture the scene above, a mother and her two daughters worshiping Jesus with a hunger and passion.  Is that not the nucleus of parenting.  As parents we get the opportunity to live out lives of passionate praise, and pray that our children will follow.  What a sorrowful reality that so many of us parent with wasted passion.  We make sure our children are involved in as many activities as we can squeeze into our already exhausted schedules.  Travel ball, t-ball, dance, cheer, football, karate, gymnastics, basketball, summer art lessons, and the list goes on.  We will make it to every practice, every game, and even work together in the back yard.  We expend our lives and time on things that hold no eternal significance.  We want our children to be the best, to have every opportunity to show out.  Is this our idea of developing humility?  It seems more like the ingredients of pride and self absorbance.  If we really believed what the Bible says, would we even want our children to be sports stars?  Why would our desires be for them to have all the riches and fame this life can offer, only to lose their souls.  So many families will be at the ball park, dance recitals, all of it, and yet find it a challenge to make it to church casually if at all.  If we are honest, can we say that we even have a conversation about the Lord with our children at least once a day.  What a heart break.  You may tell your children that Jesus is Lord, but your life lives out the worship to the many idols that have taken the thrown of your heart.  Your children will struggle no less to surrender all to Jesus.
And I will continue, only to surely lose a few friends over what is coming out next.  Our Pastor, has been very straight forward and to the point when it comes to how women dress in church.  Yet, it seems like everyone is saying amen with their boobs hanging out and their thighs singing, "Alleluia, we got the light we got the light!"  Perhaps a women needs to speak up.  Maybe a lot of us need to speak up.  My husband came home from church one Sunday, so upset because while leaving Bible study, everywhere his eyes went there were breast just bulging.  He even saw a nipple hanging out.  Yes, I had to write the word nipple in a blog.  What a heartbreak that our husbands have to struggle so greatly in a house of worship, because  women care more about themselves.  On more than one occasion, I have been in the parking lot with my daughters and received a show of under panties, as the wind gentle lifted the dress that was just barely covering them to begin with.  Clothing that draws attention to the size of your breast and the curve of your thigh...... REALLY?  And we claim to be coming to church to bring praise to Jesus.  I think our attire is evidence of a heart that seeks the praise of men.  I often feel embarrassed for the clothing that the young girls wear.  My eight and six year old daughters are often appalled.  How can we just allow our daughters to desire the second look of men, when they have the eternal gaze of the Lord.  We raise these beautiful little girls up to care more about the attention of others than about having a modest heart and godly righteousness.  As mothers and fathers, it is our duty to live different than the world.  If everyone on television is wearing it, I might suggest we consider whose standards we are living by.  If the space between your breast is visible, you need to cover it up.  If you can not bend over and touch your toes without your bottoms showing, word flash TOO SHORT!.  The thighs and the upper back are areas that men find "sexy", so don't show them to anyone but your husband.  And train your daughters to love and honor their future husbands, by saving some of the mystery and beauty God designed their bodies with.  I'm not talking about adding a strap, I am saying-where are the sleeves?  I even see little girls, 3 and 4 years old now in spaghetti straps, one strap, strapless, and tight shirts and dresses.  Come on this is craziness!  What will they wear on their wedding night?  I mean if we walk around daily in lingerie? 
I am burdened because if the church is struggling with the allegiance of our hearts, then what do we offer a world that is so hurting.  There is so much suffering and death and yet the church is waddling through with half hearted worship and caring more about drawing attention to themselves than the Jesus who they claim to love.  When will we parent with the realization that it can impact the eternal destination of these treasures we have been allowed to raise.  When will we show with our time, scheldules, wardrobe, and worship that Jesus is that treasure in the field.  If you remember, the man who found the treasure, he sold it all so that he could obtain it.

Where are we at...

It is an expected question.... Where are you at in the adoption process.  Well it has been weeks since I have updated our blog.  I have sat down to write several times and it is like the words just won't come.  Which is odd because writing is my outlet and normally, when I get the chance to write my heart just overflows.  This is the way I express myself and most the time it makes at least a little sense.  Especially when you compare it to me just talking.  I tend to be a passionate person.  I think sometimes I get on most peoples nerves, because I just get so excited about things.  Todd and I will have a conversation like this at least once a week......
Todd, "I just wish you would talk normal."  Me, "I am talking normal."
Todd will then say, "No you are yelling, please stop yelling".  I usually conclude our epic dialogue with something like this "I AM NOT YELLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!".  :} Anyway, back to making sense and me not being able to write....
It isn't that I haven't had anything to say, it just wouldn't pour out.  I needed to really be able to process where we are and what the Lord would have us do now.  A few months ago, we had a really hard conversation with our social worker about our home study.  Our income is not enough to get approved by the U.S. immigration because we already have 4 children.  The days following that conversation were really painful and I cried a lot.  So, where do we go from here.  We were so certain that the Lord called us to care for orphans......
Well, He has.  Actually the Lord has called all of us to care for orphans.  We are all suppose to be loving the hurting, suffering, those the world counts as invaluable and the least.
Here is where we are:  We can not move any further in the home study process unless something changes for us financially.  Though that sounds like our ability to help an orphan is halted, it really is just the beginning.  In the desperation I felt knowing we couldn't move forward, God began to stir in my heart.  Deep stirrings and longings to help not just one orphan but as many as I could.  So, we joined with some awesome friends and we had a garage sale for orphans.  Coming together with all of our excess, cleaning out our closets, selling things we wanted but could live without, and giving the money to build a safe house for orphans in Haiti.  The garage sale for orphans, charged me.  I felt so full, overflowing with smiles.  We did something for the hurting.  Why does it have to stop there.  This Sunday our family is running in a marathon together, to raise money and awareness of the 27 million slaves that are living in bondage throughout the world.  They were not born into a life of privilege like you and I, but they are just like you and me, so many children just like my precious kids.  Shouldn't I be bothered that they are suffering?  What kind of life can we say that we lived if we did not live with the constant drawing to want to help them.  Todd and I are at such a liberating place right now.  We have surrendered all that is next in our lives, to Jesus.  Hungry to look back and know that ten years from now our lives were spent for His glory.  I don't want to settle for a religious experience, and find that in the end it was all nothing.  Nothing but a watered down faith, constructed around a god that in the end was myself.  Right now we are seeking the Lord's leading and we both know that we are called to live in ministry, pouring our lives out for others.  Todd chose not to renew his teaching contract and at this point nothing is holding us back.  We are willing and waiting for the details of our next assignment.  We don't know where or when, so now we are just going to serve those around us and help in any way we can with orphan care, right here where we are.  I am reading a book called "True Religion" and in it he says, "When you set out to change the world, you end up changed".  It is true.  You are able to see from a different lens.  I challenge you to determine to help those with no voice, the people that will die and never have their story told.  Injustice shouldn't only matter when it effects those closest to you.   Get involved in the lives of the suffering, feed them, house them, adopt them, love them, give your life away for them.  Anything less is a religion we have all made up, and in the end the brazen image will have been yourself.

I also want to take a moment to talk specifically to everyone who has invested in our adoption so far....
We have kept it all in a special savings, and it will either be used for our adoption or returned to you.  We always always want to have integrity and honesty with those that the Lord has so graciously drawn along the way to be apart of this journey.  So, please feel free to ask very openly about any of that. :}  Hugs. Jess

Today!

           I have this serious personality quirk, I am to the embarrassment of myself and perhaps others, extremely see through.  I can't help it, I just find so much freedom in being transparent and open about where I am and what is going on in my life.  Ask my husband and he will confirm that I have made him blush on multiple occasions (in front of people).  Often I open my mouth and 2 seconds later wish that both of my feet would have just jumped in before the words had a chance to escape.
            That being said, it has been the transparency of others that has so often been used by the Lord for my healing.  I can just start naming women who have at some point said out loud what I was too ashamed or even confused to let process in my heart.  Susan, Liz, Caroline, Jess (I call her Barth), Lindy, Barb, my mom, and my list could go on and on,  these are women that the Lord used to speak healing and restoration into my life on so many occasions.  Transparency-what a beautiful thing.
         All that to say, I will confess that I am all to often very emotional and I doubt, and then even pout  like a little child.  Only a few days ago, I allowed myself to get so discouraged;  I just wanted to curl up in a little ball and cry, alone.  So, I did.  I put myself under some covers and I guess I thought I could just stay there like that for the rest of forever.  HUMOR ME, it sounded good in my self absorbed moment of self pity.  I felt so smothered and detached from things that really matter.  Think about it, so much of what invades and often conquerors our days, doesn't even matter.  We spend endless moments in this routine chaos of pointless pursuit, gaining what..... stupid stuff that we end up putting in a give away box a few weeks or months down the road when the newest and best is now on our mind.  Our children are saturated with every modern convenience and to their detriment we lavish the hottest items on them, so that they what.....have an I phone and can get a hold of us if the earth does shake and the sky does start to fall.  I mean what is up with this mad race we are all running?  Well I think about crazy stuff a lot, really I do.  It all bothers me and then I start thinking-Lord, what am I doing?  I am suppose to be in Africa or somewhere sharing the greatness of your name.  I begin to question everything around me and if I can really love the least of these, and surrender my life as a slave to Jesus Christ.  Then I am so caught up in feeling like I need to do something more to help the suffering and couple that with trying to get the paperwork approved, so that we can be a forever family to orphans.....the result is me on a couch...under covers...in a ball....crying...feeling hopeless.  See I am really spiritual!  Todd, finally took me by the hand and said, "Jess please will you just trust the Lord with me, just take even the littlest grain of faith you can muster up and believe with me that God is going to do something incredible. Be free to just completely rely on God. He can provide me with a job and it will all be in His perfect timing."   In case you feel like you missed something, Todd has 3 jobs, well he needs to just have one-it looks better on paper, less variable.  :}  So, here I am again that annoying doubting girl!  Oh how I hate that I am always her.  How many times do I need to be reminded of the amazing hand of God, who has done so many incredible things in our lives already.  As Brother Billy says, "I digress.
A dear friend, Jenny, shared her heart with me today and the Lord just spoke to me through her words and I wanted to share them with you
  "Be present in each day. Be Christ to every person you are with TODAY. Be faithful with the work and the children and the relationships he has given you TODAY. Speak boldly today. Glorify him with your life today. He knows what tomorrow holds. He knows the future size of your family, what color your children will be, what people you will share Christ with and in what country. He has prepared of all that for you and because you are seeking him you will find it and you will finish it.  And he has prepared all of THIS for you. This is what he has given you today. This is what he prepared in advance for you to do today."

I don't know what you may be facing or what the Lord is doing in your life, but be present in each day!  Don't just be a winded flurry completing your days, engage in what the Lord is doing and show up for His presence in your life!

Leggo my Ego, actually you can have it

 I will admit the last blog caught me in a moment.  A moment of doubt, frustration, and extreme discouragement.  As those moments always do, it passed.  Not however, without the amazing encouragement of my wonderful husband.  It's funny to read that because in our eight years of marriage, I can with complete honesty say that the Lord has had to humble me quite a bit, so, that I could see the blessing my husband was to me.  :} I haven't always been able to look past my own arrogant ego.  I certainly haven't had an easy time surrendering my will and tendency to do things my way either.  All that to say......Todd has been such a strong arm of faith in my weariness.  This morning he said, "God knew this child before the foundations of the earth, and God is no respecter of persons.  Jess, this hold up could be the hand of God, setting up the time frame.  God knows how old this child is, when and if he has been born, and when he is going to need his family.  This is all part of God's purposes".  Wow, what a thought and I had been so busy struggling with my frustrations, when I very well should have been thanking the Lord for working out each tiny detail.  If all else fails we are just going to move to Uganda and fill our house with orphans. :}  Really, why not.  I am learning that most often my questions are why or how, when they should be WHY NOT. 

When the impossible is all you can see.....

Today has been a rough day.  There are times in life when it seems all I can see are those things that seem impossible and it is then that I have to find my hope in and only in the Lord.  I am having one of those days.  We talked with our social worker today and the conversation left me feeling so hopeless and heart broken.  Todd on the other hand is much better at simply trusting and not giving a moment of worry.  Todd works 3 jobs and none of them are considered full time, so on paper it looks as though our income is really variable.  Having four kids already.......so our approval to be eligible to adopt is now being looked into further.  I wanted to just curl up in a ball and cry and I did just that for a short bit.  I felt like it was so hopeless and my heart was breaking for a child I long to call mine.  Gabriella started to cry and she was so disappointed, because you see the Lord laid it on her heart and she began praying that we would adopt months before we agreed to it.  I didn't really even know what to pray for.  Do I pray that Todd gets one full time job, do I pray that somehow we will be approved by immigration just the way we are, and part of me just wanted to give up.  "We just can't do this!  We are willing Lord, and we long to just trust and obey but this mountain is too high- They won't let us climb it!!"  That is what I wanted to scream.  Here is the problem, I am not suppose to strive to climb it.  The Lord will remove it.  Even a mountain can not hinder the Lord's purposes.  However, sometimes all that I can see are the impossibilities before me.  The hopelessness and longing to live completely surrendered and then the frustration and disappointment when it doesn't go as smoothly as I expected.  Today I am making a declaration:

"Lord I still trust you, when the money is gone, when the moment seems hopeless, when my heart is broken, and when you seem silent- I still trust you!  My hope is not in the comfort of this life, but my hope is in you and you alone!"

Sick to My Stomach......

Did you know that there are over 147 million orphans world wide.  How about that over 27 million people live in slavery today, in this day and time.  There are more slaves now than there have ever been in all of history.  Children are being sexually exploited right now.  Little girls and boys taken away from their families and raped by men.  The poor are taken advantage of in their desperation to provide for their families and forced to live in slavery to those with money.  They are treated cruelly and they have no way out, they don't know what else to do or where else to go.  They are suffering.  How many meals have I eaten and never given a thought to the millions of people who are going hungry.  How many bowls of rice have I consumed not even considering if a poor feeble man was forced to work in a rice mill, so that all of us rich westerners could have plenty.  I know that this blog is about adoption and it is assumed that I will write warm and wonderful things about our journey and all the amazing things that are happening in our hearts as we experience the miracle of adoption.  This is not warm and fuzzy but it is no less wonderful.  Why? Because the Lord is changing me, in deep ways.  There are children out there, not just faceless numbers who are suffering.  They have big eyes full of sorrow and a longing to be loved.  They are hurting and broken.  These children have names and they were created by God with purpose and destiny.  The Lord is breaking me to do something.  How can we just sit back and enjoy a life of comfort and plenty and do nothing to help them.  Can it really be said of us that we are "disciples" of Christ if we do nothing.  I don't want to do nothing any longer.  I want to be awakened to the suffering and hurting world. I wonder what we will say to the Lord on the day of judgement.  Will He accept that we had to modify His commands to fit into the trends of the modern church.  How is it that He clearly calls those who want to be His disciples to give it all away, to care for the orphan, the widow, the least of these and yet we can just brush it off as if we have to hear yet another more superior call from the Lord to do something that radical.  Is there anything superior to His word?   We are to live lives that are constantly aware and engaged with those who are suffering among us.  I am sickened by the many times I found a reason to not adopt these past 8 years.  I feel nauseous at the complacency I have had toward the millions of children who are hungry, abandoned, abused, and unloved.    In fact, I don't just want one orphan.... I want to help as many as I can.  Why not?  Why should we ever just be content to live a comfortable life in a big roomy house and raise our 1.5 children.  Giving them every luxury affordable.  I am sick to my stomach, because there was a time when we first came back from Africa that I just wanted a neighborhood and a garden in the back yard.  I just wanted to raise my kids and not wash my clothes by hand anymore.  I wanted to turn on a light switch and know that their would be electricity.  I wanted to drink water from the sink and not get sick, or go to a doctor and not worry about a needle infected with HIV.  I just wanted the American dream. However, the Lord in His infinite mercy and grace did not let me reside in that dream for long.  What I want now..... I want to be His.  I want Him.  I want Jesus.  I want to love the hurting and I want to give it all away.  This stuff that only distracts us and keeps us from having to rely on the Lord for our provision, it has just lost its luster.  You see I thought Todd and I were going to save a child, but it turns out that the Lord is already using this child/children to save us.   It is a warm and fuzzy story after all.  The Lord awakening hearts and opening eyes to see His purposes and to take part in His redemption.  You are not reading this blog by chance, I pray that the Lord will begin to shake your walls and the comfortable fort the enemy has encased you in will fall.  I know He can because the Lord is tearing down my walls.  I know and trust that the day I get to look into my sweet Ugandan child's face, I will have experienced and seen the mighty work of  God!